10th Muharram 1444H

 Assalamualaikum,

I want shared something special for Asyhura Day here. It is actually about my off that should started at 08th Muharram but then, my manger called is it okay for me to change it on 09th Muharram and 10th Muharram. I said yeah- At first it's pretty sad because mostly Malaysian friends they off earlier and only me left for that day. They're go Haram and some go for shopping spree. But it's alright, I made plans but Allah know the best for me. 

At 4th August, after two years of pandemic KSA lift up the barrier along Kaaba and it is really make me want to go there and touch the Kiswah-Kaaba covered and maybe more wishes to kiss the Hajar Aswad. FYI, I not make it on my first Umrah, 2018. So, I really want to experience it and after 32 years of living. I do what the best for me. InsyaAllah, 

I booked the Al-Shohada Hotel because of three reasons...At first, I aim for Tahajjud and more sunnah prayer also Fajr Prayer there. My compound can't compromised it and the I just stay outside for one night. Secondly, I likes challenge and want to try other places from my usual pick likes Movenpick , Pullman, Mecca Tower and etc. Thirdly because it is cheaper than those hotel, after Hajj the price mark up to more than 500 Riyal. So, to me alone I just better look up for my budget. I need more for my transportation and food hunt.

Amazing hotel, and excellent services. I wrote it in my google reviews and InsyaAllah will come sooner. It is in front of bus station and there you can get free cold mineral water. Along side the street, there are many gift shop and one Indian food-net time let me try their Paratha! To hotel, p/s: I accidently drop a cup of hot chocolate on bedsheet and not until mattress-I left my notes with apologies and phone number if need for reimbursement. Also, easily can get Taxi or use Uber apps! Charged me less than 20 Riyal to my house. Good. 

I did my Umrah on 9th Muharram after Asr prayer plus fasting day. I don't felt hungry or tired at all only after at 5th round of Saie-two more to go! And I did it. As always, forget to bring my scissor-Never mind. Then, I bought a ''Nasi Arab'' from my favourite place while waiting for Maghrib. Since I got food with me, I just pray outside and here I saw how kindness people are-they share Kauha (herbs cinnamon) drink, fresh yellow dates, cookies. And also break fast together. I only drank Zam Zam water because I excited with my meals. Go back hotel, took a shower and I finished half of it!

Another story I want to slide in is I touch the Kiswah! The feeling is really unbearable-it made me reveal all my sadness, my regret, my sins, my hope, and my future wish. I kiss it, my tears flow non-stop, my view is blurred. Until one boy around 2 years old beside me-just stare at me and say nothing. Maybe he knows what I felt like. I put both palm and asked for Allah forgiveness, keep Iman close and good manners, making right decision in relationship, for future deal-the fortune and sadaqah, and etc. 

After rest well, I go back to Masjidil Haram for Isya' and I quickly go back Hotel because I want to stay for Sunnah and Fajr prayer. Alhamdulillah, I woke up before my alarm at 0200H and I finished my extra ''Nasi Arab'' for Sahoor and just bring sajadah, phone and one plastic bag. Keep it minimalist, girl. Then, I go down at Kaaba area and I try to kiss Hajar Aswad but the struggle is real. The men and women sided really in uncontrolled position. Even the guard there can't do anything-only voice out at certain case. I'm out after my scarf really out in place!

Then, I drank Zam-Zam water and to calm myself. I did Sunnah prayer and Taubat and etc. I pray Fjr and little dhua, and I go to Hijir Ismail and make a que there-Bismillah after forth line, I pray two sunnah rakat and Tubat inside it. Alhamdulillah-alhamdulillah-alhamdulillah, and I saw the opportunity to go near Kaaba door. I stand there, I touch the wall-the original wall of Kaaba. I pray, and contnues cries-very emotional day for me since yesterday. I can't, Kaaba make me remember that I only a little human with more sins in the eyes of The Creator. 

And from here, I go slowly to the Hajaratul Aswad. At first, I don't think I can make it like before because the struggle is real. I cry again because I think ''Is this how in the Judgemental Day-how Muslim awaiting for their Kitab and push each other to go for Allah's heaven?'' ''Is his how Muslim go war in the name of Islam?'' Their faces full of hope, their eyes wrote everything. I want to back up, I just feel lucky for Kiswah and Hijir Ismail. But, suddenly one sound from my back-an Arabic lady say their language. ''Go sister, I'm at your back. Hold on the wall. InsyaAllah,''. It make my heart steel and I cry again.

Alhamdulillah, my scarf is okay and I touch and kiss the Hajatul Aswad, and I push the lady to go after me. Thank you so much sister! I love you. After that, the struggle is real to go out from there and my scarf again up and down. Then with blurred eyes, I sat around Kaaba and adjust to address my scarf. One second it took a moments-My mind blank, my hand shaking non stop and my heart beat faster like it want to go out from my body. Then, I saw Kaaba in front me and I started to saw people around me. Then, you know...I cried for countless time. 

One hour after that, I make videocall with my parents-my sister. I showed them how Kaaba after the barrier is lift up. InsyaAllah, their opportunities to go here. Aamin! And then, they accompanied me until my hotel. My abaya wet of sweat and I smell amazing-with others sweat but it is really worth it. Truly amazing experienced. And I took shower and go for three hours nap. Then, I packed my things and check out. Leave my bag at concierge and go for Zuhur prayer. I also bought some Malaysia food from Al Safa tower level 2-''Ikan asam pedas, daging gulai'' for my fellow Malaysian. 

When I'm typing this, I just remember-did I drank a Zam Zam water while videocall my sister ? I think I am-but accidently without niat and I still high from my experiences. At soem point, I don't think I drank it. InsyaAllah, Allah accept my fasting and good intention. I felt this is great journey for Muharram and I want to explore more for this Allah month. Grab lots of deens, fixed my heart and Jannah Firdaus is everything. Amin. 

Until when sin will be collected in this life?

 Assalamualaikum,

Few days ago, I'm off for one day.  So, after night shift and nap for four hours-I make my mind on the spot that I want to go to Masjidil Haram and do prayer Zuhur and Asr. Alhamdulillah, I ate ''nasi goreng'' with eggs before and full for awhile. Then, performed sunat enter Masjid-Taubat and etc. Also, more Quran recited and drank Zam Zam water. It make my day!

One hour and half before Asr-I want to see Kaaba in of my eyes and I go down and surround Kaaba with Muslim Muslimah from around the world. Still full from Hajj people. I pray for myself-family-friends-and etc. I really miss Kaaba because Murabatha mission/Hajj mission-15 days working non stop. I'm so tired of everything and when I see Kaaba it drain out my bad things and given me positive energy even with hot weather and sweat. I fall hard in deen.

After that, another 45 minutes before Asar-I want to go for 1st floor and stay there. But, before I walked further, I found a good place to only watch Kaaba. MasyaAllah-so peaceful and everyone I saw are  and full of hopes-wishes and more prayer. I'm felt even great that I'm coming there and with bless more. It make my thought going beyond wire and sometimes so down to earth feeling. My heart cried and adrenaline rush in every  veins -for every of my own questions.

I asked Allah, when is my end life? 

I asked Allah, how is it  my last breath? 

I asked Allah, where am I-my grave? 

I asked Allah, how balancing my deen and sins?

I asked Allah,  if everyday is full of sin-why wake me up to make more sins? 

I asked Allah, did my deen/pahala enough for His heaven?

I asked Allah, what should I do to gain more deen in this life?

I asked Allah-I asked again-I even asked Allah too much. I asked until Asar Adhan heard, but Allah always listening. It's me who tired of my own thought and Oh Allah please accept my apologizes, accept it fully ya Allah. I'm so low, I don't have anything. The hell is hard and I can't with it. I want your heaven/ Jannah and please bless my day and second of it. Guide me the right way, the journey with fighting for Islam. More practices of sunnah Prophet Muhammad and beneficial time management to do what make me gaining deen. 

InsyaAllah. Don't lose hope!

Buku Baru Mulai Dengan Indah 1444H Muharram

Assalamualaikum,

Salam Muharram 1444H buat semua! Alhamdulillah sudah habis amalan-amalan kita di tahun 1443H. Tahun yang indah kerana setahun lengkap berada di Mekah dan hanya pada bulan Ramadhan sahaja di tanah Malaysia. InsyaAllah, segala niat baik dan pahala yang diredhai dan dirahmati Allah itu menjaga kita sehari-hari. Halal dan haram itu sepanjang tahun tersebut, mudah-mudahan dimaafkan dan diperingat lebih kerap. Baiklah, teruskan Islam dan perjuangan di tahun ini. Doakan ya!

Banyak yang terjadi hanya pada 1 Muharram hari ini. Kerjanya ialah tadi waktu malam. Jadinya, sambil-sambil jaga pesakit dan bagi ubatnya, sambil-sambil juga melihat penukaran Kaswah Kaaba. Indah sangat, waktu Mecca sekitar pukul 0100 pagi dan secara langsung memang disiarkan di setiap bilik pesakit. Sungguh berkah kerjanya, suka betul. Tenang betul, pastu bila melihat proses itu, mulut juga istigfar melihat Kebesaran Allah dan doa tak putus-putus agar hati ini tetap pada Islam dan kukuh. Aammin.

Sebenarnya ada niat untuk belanja makan rakan-rakan kerja malam, tapi bila ditanya mereka kata tidak perlu sebab ada makanan mereka belanja. Dalam pukul 0300 pagi, kawan ajak makan Paratha dan kari daging. Rezeki ya, moga kawanya itu bertambah rezeki juga-membuatkan hati teringat makanan di Malaysia Indian. Memmang daripada dulu, minat sangat roti canai ini, jadi ia menjadikan menyebut Alhamdulillah! Kenyang dan terus minum air sebotol penuh dan mulai niat puasa 1 Muharram. InsyaAllah diterima Allah-mulai buku baru dengan amalan baik daripada sebelumnya.

Kebetulan, pesakit semua sangat baik-baik. Jadi, mahu membalas kebaikan-selepas Fajr. Jadi, mula untuk membuka applikasi untuk menempah makanan-Pancake Kudu x8. Tapi sayang, mungkin ramai orang Arabnya yang berjaga malam-jadi tiada mahu menerima pesanannya. Takpelah, InsyaAllah ada rezeki lain, Sambil-sambil duduk tunggu waktu untuk habis kerja. Datang kawan pesakit dan memberi Roti Arab dan kari ayam dan ikan. Besar betul roti Arabnya, dan sampai dua bekas diberinya. Ya Allah, sungguh penuh rezeki hari ini. 

Masa mahu balik, sedekah lah makanan hospital dan 50:50 adakah mahu membawa balik makanan hadiah tadi. Jadi, tetapkan hati bawak jela balik-nanti ada kawan-kawan Malaysia boleh makan. Ragu-ragu juga adakah mahu teruskan puasa, godaan betul. Balik kerja-mandi dan terus tidur. Ku mahu teruskan pusa 1 Muharram! Dush-dush jauhi nafsu ini. Sebelum itu, tinggalkan mesej untuk kawan-kawan makan. Dan sampai pukul 0100 tengahari, solat Zohor-bangun dan kawan ajak makan Bubur Kacang. Ya Allah, rezeki melimpah, teruskanlah rezeki membuak-buak tidak putus ini seperti Air Zam-Zam buatkan sehingga air hayat Ya Allah.

Dikongsikan disini bukan sebab hendak menerima riak atau apa, tapi ingin ia menjadi kisah peribadi yang indah dan mudah-mudahan ia menjadi teladan buat kita semua supaya teruskan buat amalan baik tanpa mengharapkan balasan selain Keredhaan dan pahala daripada Allah. InsyaAllah, Allah memelihara perjalanan setapak-tapak kita. Ia juga membuatkan diri ini supaya menambahkan amalan sedekah dan jauhi sikap tamak. Tangan memberi itu disayangi Allah dan moga yang menerima mendapat keberkatan daripadanya. 

Baiklah, Muslim-Muslimat semua-Salam Muharram 1444H.

Edit: Pukul 0130 pagi, dapat mesej daripada kawan Malaysia-Ada Mcd McChicken dekat luar. Nanti makan (yeah buat makan pagi). Alhamdulillah, berpanjangan rezekinya! Moga-moga kita semua sama-sama mempunyai sifat pemurah seperti ini bila-bila masa sahaja dan dimana sahaja. InsyaAllah segala kebaiakan yang dibuat mereka atau diri ini akan dibalas kebaikan yang sama. Yang paling penting, niatnya kerana Allah dan mengejar pahala.