THREE: THE
PLAYBOOK: HOW TO WIN THE GAME
9 Men Respect
Standards—Get Some
-You should also know that my
wife has a set of standards that I have known about and respected from the first
day I met her.
-Men
can’t accomplish this mission for you without your help; we can’t possibly
begin to fathom what it is you women need and want because your needs and wants
change from woman to woman like the wind does from city to city. Men are very simple,
logical people; if you tell us what you
like and what you don’t like, we’ll do anything we can to make sure we live up
to your expectations, particularly if we’re interested in forging a
relationship with you.
-Instead
of saying you “can’t stand it” when a man shows up late, say something like,
“Everybody is so busy these days— time sure is precious, isn’t it? I go out of
my way to make sure that if I say I’m going to be somewhere at 7:00 P.M., I’m
going to be there at 7:00 P.M., if not earlier, so that we can do what we need
to do in a timely manner, and if I’m going to be late, it only takes a phone
call to be courteous.”
-Instead
of saying, “If you’re dating and sleeping with other women, I am not the one!”
say something like, “I’m always honest with the man I’m dating; if I feel like
I want to see other people besides him, I let him know up front so that he can
decide if he wants to continue the relationship as is, or ask me to date him
exclusively.”
-Instead
of saying, “If my man doesn’t have God in his life and doesn’t know how to jog
for God, there’s no need in him even opening his mouth to me, perhaps you can
say something like, “Sunday is my favorite day of the week, because I get to go
to church and fellowship with like-minded people and exercise my faith. By the
time ser vice is over, I feel so uplifted, I know the rest of my week is going
to go great.”
-Instead
of saying, “I got three kids and two jobs because these children’s daddy ain’t
worth a damn, so any man stepping to me better have bank and be ready to raise
some kids the right way or hit the highway, you might want to say something
like, “Being a good mom is really important to me, and a part of being a good
mom is making sure that my kids have a good father. I’m independent, but I realize
how much better it would be for me and my family if a good man was in the
picture.
-Get
the picture? Now, you’ve given us what we think is valuable information about
the woman we’re interested in. But more important, you’ve told us what your
standards are. Then, as your relationship progresses, watch his actions. For
sure, you’ll get his blueprint for how he conducts himself—you’ll see what he’s
willing to give freely of his own accord.
-I’ve
listed questions here that you should consider as you formulate your top ten
requirements:
1. What specific kind of man
are you looking for? (For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?)
2. How do you expect to be
pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three
times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)
3. What level of commitment do
you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should
it be up for discussion?)
4. What kind of financial
security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you
want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)
5. Do you want a man who wants
kids and is family oriented?
6. Does he have to be
religious/spiritual?
7. Do you mind if he’s a
divorcé or has kids?
8. Can you help a man build
his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?
9. What do you expect of his
family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn’t get
along with her? Or if his father was never around?)
10. What should he be willing
to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)
10 The Five
Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before She Gets in Too Deep
-Your objective is to avoid
being on the string. The first step, I think, is to get over the fear of losing
a man by confronting him. Just stop being afraid, already. The most successful
people in this world recognize that taking chances to get what they want is
much more productive than sitting around being too scared to take a shot. The
same philosophy can easily be applied to dating: if putting your requirements
on the table means you risk him walking away, it’s a risk you have to take.
-Because that fear can trip
you up every time; all too many of you let the guy get away with disrespecting
you, putting in minimal effort and holding out on the commitment to you because
you’re afraid he’s going to walk away and you’ll be alone again. But you can
certainly know the rules up front, and change up your strategy, so you don’t
get played.
-How do you do this? Start by
making the man be really clear up front about what he wants out of his life and
his relationship with you. You do this by asking him these key five questions:
1. What are
your short-term goals?
- His answer also will help you determine whether you want to be a part
of that plan or not. Act like you’re super interested and ask follow-up
questions-Men love to talk about themselves.
-Say things like, “Wow, how did you get into that field?” or “How
interesting—what does it take to make that successful?”
-And listen carefully. The whole time he’s talking, you should be
evaluating whether he’s actually working hard to meet his goals or if he’s a
lazy dreamer just talking a whole lot of nonsense.
2. What are your long-term goals?
-A man who really has a vision for where he wants to see himself in ten
years has looked into his future and seriously considered what it’ll take for
him to get there. It means he has foresight, and he’s plotting out the steps to
his future.
-Do not tie your life together with a human being who does not have a
plan, because you’ll find out that if he’s not going anywhere, sooner or later,
you’ll be stuck, too.
3. What are your views on relationships?
-Each answer will reveal a lot more about him—whether he’s serious about
commitment, the kind of household in which he was raised, what kind of father
and husband he might be, whether he knows the Lord, all of that.
-First, find out how he feels about family-child, plans? Next, ask him
about his relationship with his mother. After you find out how he feels about
his mother, ask him about his father. You’re also going to have to ask him
about his relationship with God.
-The answers may hurt a little bit more, but at least you’ll know.
4. What do you think about me?
-Beyond the initial attraction, however, still, this isn’t the answer
you should be looking for. You want specifics. You want to know that he’s really
thought about you beyond the surface.
-The level of his specifics will give you yet another clue into this
man’s intentions for your relationship. If he can give you specifics, it means
he’s been listening and adding it up—he’s determining if he’s going to keep
you, if he can see himself in a committed relationship with you.
5. How do you feel about me?
- Ask a man how he feels about you, and he’s going to get confused and
nervous: “I told you before—I think you’re . . .” he begins. You cut him right
off and say, “No, no, I want to know how you feel about me.”
- Men do not do emotion well, at all, and expressing it doesn’t come
easy.
- He may not be in love with you just yet, but he’s crazy about you and
he’s probably thinking he wants to explore a long-term commitment with you,
because when he starts to profess and put you in a position where he can
provide for and protect you, he’s seeing a future with you in it. And this is
exactly where you want to be with this guy.
11 The
Ninety-Day Rule: Getting the Respect You Deserve
-Of course, give it at least
ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure
that this guy is the right man for you. After all, it’s your right to want what
you want—and to actually get it; a probationary period means nothing if you’re
not putting this guy through the paces.
1. How does
he react when you tell him you’ve got some problems?
- If he asks
you, “What’s the matter?” that’s a good start. He’s been around you long enough
to know when you’re not your normal self. That’s progress. Real men extend
themselves to women they care about. If you have a problem and your man does
not extend himself—he doesn’t try to make it better—this is not a good
candidate for benefits.
2. How does
your man react under pressure?
-A
benefits-worthy man will immediately launch into “fix-it” mode—he will see what
he can do. This is a pressure situation; it doesn’t require an action, but a
reaction.
3. How does
he react to bad news?
-But a real
man will respond with some kind of solution—he will do what he can to help you
stop crying, because no man wants to see his woman crying. He will be there for
you no matter what bad circumstance comes along.
4. Hoes does
he react when he’s told ‘no’?
- But if
your saying no doesn’t deter him, and he continues to try to get to know you
better and prove to you that he’s worthy of your benefits, then he’s really,
truly interested in you.
-Ninety days
sounds like a lot of time and you kinda need to be real creative to keep his
attention on you and your new relationship. So I came up with a list of things:
1.
Go on dates that help you find out each other’s interests: if he’s into
photography, hit up a photography exhibit at the local museum; if you’re into
cooking, take a cooking class together.
2.
Host a barbecue at your house and invite him to meet your friends and family; a
good guy should be comfortable meeting the
people you love.
3.
Go to mosque together; know that he’s interested.
4.
Sign up for a sexy Latin dance class so you can learn some new moves—it’ll show
you if he’s into trying new things, and you can tell if the man has, um, rhythm.
5.
Go out for a picnic in the park with the kids; see if he’s comfortable with
them.
6.
Find out each other’s favorite artists and attend a concert together.
7.
Release your inner kid and spend an evening playing games at an arcade.
8.
Have a few “firsts” together—go horseback riding together, or hit up a batting
cage, or fall all over each other at the ice-skating rink.
9.
Volunteer together—help out at a local soup kitchen or read books to kids at a
local foster home; you can tell a lot about a man who’s willing to help others.
10.
Rent a convertible and get lost cruising in your city; you’ll have plenty of
time to talk on a long drive.
11.
Find a quiet place where you can watch the sunset together.
12.
Play a board game.
13.
Go for a long walk under a starlit sky.
14.
Send each other naughty e-mails, so he can be sure that when he does get it,
it’s going to be good. (And you can make sure he’s literate while you’re at
it.)
15.
Read a passage out of each other’s favorite books.
16.
Have a movie night in which you both bring your favorite DVDs
17.
Go to a record store and listen to each other’s favorite artists.
18.
Challenge each other to do something silly, like build a sandcastle at the
beach or a game of jacks or marbles.
19.
Hit up a comedy show; you can learn a lot about a person by what they find funny
and what they think is offensive.
12 If He’s
Meeting the Kids After You Decide He’s “the One,” It’s Too Late
-Let’s get one thing straight.
When a man approaches you, he doesn’t see anything except what’s in front of
him- Kids? Please. Some men don’t care any which way about your kids. And if
you hold back key information he needs to assess his potential life together
with you, and pop it on him when he’s not expecting it, he’s not going to
receive the information well—plain and simple.
-If you really want a good man
in your life, if you’ve asked God to give you a family, you’ve got to stop all
this foolishness and introduce this man to your kids so you can figure him out.
The sincere men among us know that women with kids are a package deal, and
we’ll understand that you are a mother with obligations to your kids first,
especially if you lay that out up front.
-Tell us straight up: “I’m not
just looking for a mate for myself; I’m trying to form a union with a man who
will be willing to be the head of this family.” You know what a declaration
such as that is? That, sweetheart, is a requirement. You’ve told him in a nice,
not-so-subtle-but-sweet way that the only way a man is going to be a part of
your life is if he agrees to be a part of your children’s lives, too. A real
man is going to be okay with that because you’ve told him that if he’s going to
be a part of your life, you and the kids are a package deal, and that he will
get dismissed quickly if you feel like he’s not right for or good to the kids.
-You know he’ll make a good
father if…
1.
He tells you he likes kids, and actually would like to have one someday.
2.
He expresses interest in meeting your children.
3.
He shows up to the house with gifts—for the kids. (Of course, if he brings an
Xbox for Mikey and disappears for a few hours, then that might be a problem.)
4.
He lets the children see that he sincerely respects and likes (and even loves)
their mother.
5.
He makes a kid-friendly date with you and invites your children along.
6.
He takes you and the kids to mosque.
7.
He has a good job and a solid work history.
8.
He’s kind to his mother and checks in with her often (but mama’s boys need not
apply).
9.
His nieces and nephews spend considerable time with him.
10.
He has younger siblings he helped care for when he was younger—and they made it
through, unscathed
11.
He has a pet, and it actually gets fed and taken care of.
12.
He keeps his house clean and knows how to cook a few decent meals.
13.
He’s financially prepared to care for you and your children, or he has the
desire to.
14.
He can and is willing to comfort your child when she hurts herself. (If he
starts hyperventilating at the sight of blood, this might be a
situation—especially if he’s already told you he’s a doctor.)
15.
He doesn’t faint at the sight of diapers.
16.
He can get down and dirty with your children— squirting them with a water hose,
shooting hoops at the park, getting buried in the sand at the beach—and like
it. (Though you don’t want him to get too excited about playing “Tea Party”
with the dolls.)
17.
He doesn’t lose his mind when someone spills food and drinks in his car, or
puts a muddy footprint on the back of his seat—it shows he’s not so fussy about
messy kids (because nothing wrecks your car quicker than having kids; his seats
will see the inside of a Happy Meal).
18.
He can make it through a one-on-one game with your child and maybe even let him
win once (Note: dunking on an eight-year-old and yelling, “In your face!” is
not something a good potential father would do)
19.
He’s willing and able to teach you how to play a sport—which shows he has the
patience of Job.
20.
He’s willing to go to family functions with you and the kids—even after hearing
the stories about your crazy aunt Thelma and how she likes to get a little
tipsy and call out your new boyfriends in front of company.
21.
He’s actually interested in how your child is doing in school, and not only
encourages him to do well, but gives suggestions on how he can excel.
22.
He can be gentle with your kids, but he’s capable of being firm with them, too
(though you don’t want to see him start taking off his belt within the first
half hour of meeting the children; I know kids can be bad, but that’s a little
much).
23. He’s capable of forgiveness, and shows that, even when your kid does the seemingly unforgivable— or at least the highly questionable.
