In dilemma
Assalamualaikum.
Bit feeling like brain tak center when i'm typing this post.
Someone may shoot me somewhere somehow.
Wrong target la woi.
Or it's just me the one who actually yang in a wrong target.
Astagfirullah al-azim.
Serabut duh!
I need to luahkan all of this. What my otak think before it's exploded.
Even in every doa selepas solat i cried when i talked to Allah about this clingy things.
I felt useless.
I felt ashamed.
I shouldn't have through this.
It's so haramm and lari from my Islamic life goals even it's felt so right.
Oh no.
As i knew this is my personal blog.
So i think i can trust this page and you, who hardly stalk my blog.
Kept this secret between us.
Let's get terus terang, it's about a men.
Who make my world up and down, thick and thin and spinning sampai pening.
Not so handsome duh.
Either not even my taste actually.
Jauh sekali nak kata ada 'hot killer body'.
Or even a billionaire line.
Pelik kan.
He just only a plain guy with annoying attitude, package perfectly.
Annoy me sampai boleh bawak gaduh la.
So, the problems are... i don't like this feeling.
The unpronounce feeling that i start to feel for him.
Oh please, I'm not admire him either.
As for your information.
Just I hate it when i caught he stares at me.
The way he looks at me.
And i'm the one who the first look away. Always.
Because i can't do it.
To reveal the truth behind those eyes.
... I don't like everything about him. Full-stop.
I tried to play cool.
Kept telling myself that he just my friends.
Kawan susah senang.
My male friends. And maybe trying to be close one. In still remain, friends zone.
Yeah, better like this.
Bulan ke bulan... makin lama we're makin lain.
And it's more than normal.
It's scare me to the bottom. Ini bukan sepatutnya yang di rancang!
One day, after year passes.
I thought why not just give him a chance.
Anyone deserve it. Sampai bila tak nak mingle around, kan.
Treat me like may be we were meant for each other... or we weren't.
And this is just how it had to be.
Pening ar!
Or it's all just my imagination.
And he even don't have a feeling to me?
But all my friends said he likes me.
So, why not I let the time tell.
Sometimes it's feel awkward, and go on awkward.
In every case, I successfully pandai avoid to go out alone with him... because i'm not fully trust him.
Even we're friends.
Good decision.
But, lately... he became my good driver.
My tempat untuk luahkan everything. He always be there for me.
And he love it when i shared those with him.
Or even sometimes we also argue when have to deal with his annoying manners like everyday.
And most drama yang i'm not really like is pretending-to-be-games.
That i think we're memang tak betul in this part.
Seriously, if you questioning me what the real happening is...
Aku sendirik memang tak faham.
Really tak faham.
I donno if he is bipolar type or dulu masa lahir adalah premature baby or what because,
One time he act like he is the guddey gentleman i knew.
He cares about me. Treat me better.
That make me so special. Like Queen gituh.
He gave me something even i'm not asked for it.
Because i'm not give him anything. Bersalah sebenarnya bila fikir balik.
Anyhow i tetapkan pendirian yang dia bukan my real husband that in my responsibilities to care.
Right.
Even he always tried to act like one.
How he one day want me to choose in between clothes he want to buy.
Done pairing same clothes also. Huh.
Share something personal or when needing support about our family things too.
Most i liked, cover my hungriness habit with his food suppliers.
And tolong habiskan my balance makanan.
Paling top, Soh tolong kejut sahur.
Am i sub as his maid or what?
Uit, gih kahwin la bro!
And one time, he turned 360 degree. Act like i'm not existed.
In this universe.
Memang pelik gila.
Or he copied my act?
I'm not giving him a cold shoulder actually.
Sorry duh if he felt so.
I just tried to act normal. Act friendly. Act how the real me to you.
Like we supposed to be.
Same way i treat my male friends and sikit special for you, maybe.
But when i tried, i just can't.
As banyak mata memandang. I felt they are insecure me.
I hate attention, and ini semua so not me.
It's so new for me.
Me and nonsense lovely dovey story line fantasy. So mushy.
So yurks!
Hahhahhaa...
Period.
By the way...i still remembered the first time we met.
In a noisy crowded elevator.
And me in so traditional yellow big size baju kurung.
Perasan cantik la tuh.
So selekeh for real actually.
Then you caught my attention in your also selekeh shirt after work.
For a second i said Astagfirullah.
Ada jugak orang lagi selekeh daripada me. Joking.
And the door open, i go out. One floor separated us.
What if i told you that i missed our night conversation, would it's mean anything for you?
Bruhhhh...
Again,
Why should i have this feeling anyway.
This is not so me, ya Allah.
Like seriously... me?
My friends said, if I fall for him?
I said i don't know.
Because i don't know what fall really feel like.
I'm emotionless girl. My emotion only goes to family things.
You want me to feel what?
I'm new to something romantika de amour fantasy, so please.
Tell me what fall feel like oh my friends.
Really I can't analyse my own feeling.
I hate like crazy when something related about him pop up in my mind.
Make me feel stupid. Started make me to think that he is my future.
He i will called the right one?
The real question is... is he is the right one?
Or my Creator have a another plans.
Istiharakh... like Allah said. But i'm afraid to do it.
How if he is.
What should i do...
And how if he is not.
Honestly, marriage is a huge deal trader.
And i'm the one risking myself...
Because i'm the one who will surviving to bring the good in me, in him, in between family.
Communities. And our future.
What should i do now?
Warghhh, i don't want to talk about this anymore.
I need my emak.
I need her big hug.
Allah, help me too,
Oh please...
Bit feeling like brain tak center when i'm typing this post.
Someone may shoot me somewhere somehow.
Wrong target la woi.
Or it's just me the one who actually yang in a wrong target.
Astagfirullah al-azim.
Serabut duh!
I need to luahkan all of this. What my otak think before it's exploded.
Even in every doa selepas solat i cried when i talked to Allah about this clingy things.
I felt useless.
I felt ashamed.
I shouldn't have through this.
It's so haramm and lari from my Islamic life goals even it's felt so right.
Oh no.
As i knew this is my personal blog.
So i think i can trust this page and you, who hardly stalk my blog.
Kept this secret between us.
Let's get terus terang, it's about a men.
Who make my world up and down, thick and thin and spinning sampai pening.
Not so handsome duh.
Either not even my taste actually.
Jauh sekali nak kata ada 'hot killer body'.
Or even a billionaire line.
Pelik kan.
He just only a plain guy with annoying attitude, package perfectly.
Annoy me sampai boleh bawak gaduh la.
So, the problems are... i don't like this feeling.
The unpronounce feeling that i start to feel for him.
Oh please, I'm not admire him either.
As for your information.
Just I hate it when i caught he stares at me.
The way he looks at me.
And i'm the one who the first look away. Always.
Because i can't do it.
To reveal the truth behind those eyes.
... I don't like everything about him. Full-stop.
I tried to play cool.
Kept telling myself that he just my friends.
Kawan susah senang.
My male friends. And maybe trying to be close one. In still remain, friends zone.
Yeah, better like this.
Bulan ke bulan... makin lama we're makin lain.
And it's more than normal.
It's scare me to the bottom. Ini bukan sepatutnya yang di rancang!
One day, after year passes.
I thought why not just give him a chance.
Anyone deserve it. Sampai bila tak nak mingle around, kan.
Treat me like may be we were meant for each other... or we weren't.
And this is just how it had to be.
Pening ar!
Or it's all just my imagination.
And he even don't have a feeling to me?
But all my friends said he likes me.
So, why not I let the time tell.
Sometimes it's feel awkward, and go on awkward.
In every case, I successfully pandai avoid to go out alone with him... because i'm not fully trust him.
Even we're friends.
Good decision.
But, lately... he became my good driver.
My tempat untuk luahkan everything. He always be there for me.
And he love it when i shared those with him.
Or even sometimes we also argue when have to deal with his annoying manners like everyday.
And most drama yang i'm not really like is pretending-to-be-games.
That i think we're memang tak betul in this part.
Seriously, if you questioning me what the real happening is...
Aku sendirik memang tak faham.
Really tak faham.
I donno if he is bipolar type or dulu masa lahir adalah premature baby or what because,
One time he act like he is the guddey gentleman i knew.
He cares about me. Treat me better.
That make me so special. Like Queen gituh.
He gave me something even i'm not asked for it.
Because i'm not give him anything. Bersalah sebenarnya bila fikir balik.
Anyhow i tetapkan pendirian yang dia bukan my real husband that in my responsibilities to care.
Right.
Even he always tried to act like one.
How he one day want me to choose in between clothes he want to buy.
Done pairing same clothes also. Huh.
Share something personal or when needing support about our family things too.
Most i liked, cover my hungriness habit with his food suppliers.
And tolong habiskan my balance makanan.
Paling top, Soh tolong kejut sahur.
Am i sub as his maid or what?
Uit, gih kahwin la bro!
And one time, he turned 360 degree. Act like i'm not existed.
In this universe.
Memang pelik gila.
Or he copied my act?
I'm not giving him a cold shoulder actually.
Sorry duh if he felt so.
I just tried to act normal. Act friendly. Act how the real me to you.
Like we supposed to be.
Same way i treat my male friends and sikit special for you, maybe.
But when i tried, i just can't.
As banyak mata memandang. I felt they are insecure me.
I hate attention, and ini semua so not me.
It's so new for me.
Me and nonsense lovely dovey story line fantasy. So mushy.
So yurks!
Hahhahhaa...
Period.
By the way...i still remembered the first time we met.
In a noisy crowded elevator.
And me in so traditional yellow big size baju kurung.
Perasan cantik la tuh.
So selekeh for real actually.
Then you caught my attention in your also selekeh shirt after work.
For a second i said Astagfirullah.
Ada jugak orang lagi selekeh daripada me. Joking.
And the door open, i go out. One floor separated us.
What if i told you that i missed our night conversation, would it's mean anything for you?
Bruhhhh...
Again,
Why should i have this feeling anyway.
This is not so me, ya Allah.
Like seriously... me?
My friends said, if I fall for him?
I said i don't know.
Because i don't know what fall really feel like.
I'm emotionless girl. My emotion only goes to family things.
You want me to feel what?
I'm new to something romantika de amour fantasy, so please.
Tell me what fall feel like oh my friends.
Really I can't analyse my own feeling.
I hate like crazy when something related about him pop up in my mind.
Make me feel stupid. Started make me to think that he is my future.
He i will called the right one?
The real question is... is he is the right one?
Or my Creator have a another plans.
Istiharakh... like Allah said. But i'm afraid to do it.
How if he is.
What should i do...
And how if he is not.
Honestly, marriage is a huge deal trader.
And i'm the one risking myself...
Because i'm the one who will surviving to bring the good in me, in him, in between family.
Communities. And our future.
What should i do now?
Warghhh, i don't want to talk about this anymore.
I need my emak.
I need her big hug.
Allah, help me too,
Oh please...
